Some sins are obvious, and very black and white. At least in the Christian understanding. Or maybe I should just say that they've always appeared so to me. For example, I've always known that any sort of deception was a lie, and little white lies are still lies. Stealing, even if it was just an M&M from a sibling, is still stealing. And so on, and so forth. But two sins I've never quite figured out (and some might say that flirting isn't a sin anyway, but for the purposes of my discussion let's just assume it is).
I will start with gossip. Merriam-Webster dictionary defines "gossip" as:
Function: noun
2 a: rumor or report of an intimate nature
To relate sometimes questionable or secret information of a personal nature
Synonyms: blab, talk, tattle
Related Words: bandy (about), circulate, noise (about), rumor; disclose, divulge, reveal, tell; hint, imply, insinuate, intimate, let on, suggest; inform, report, snitch, squeal, tip (off); babble, spill; confide
A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret. - Proverbs 11:13
A perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends. - Proverbs 16:28
A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid a man (or woman, naturally) who talks too much. - Proverbs 20:19 (parentheses mine)
Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down. - Proverbs 26:20
My dad has told me that gossip is "saying something negative about a person for the purpose of lowering that person in other people's opinion."
The four Bible verses I have shared say that a gossip "betrays a confidence" (twice), "separates close friends" and "without gossip a quarrel dies down."
So, using all that information above, my conclusion is lengthy. Gossip is anything:
Maliciously negative
Betraying a confidence (secret)
Causing a division between friends
Fueling a quarrel
Questionable of a personal nature
You really have to use a measure of your own discretion, and in cases such as these it is certainly better to err on the side of silence.
Flirting has been more difficult for me to determine for myself, and is certainly something that is harder to conclude.
Once again, the Merriam-Webster definition:
Flirting
function: verb
2 a: to behave amorously without serious intent: to show superficial or casual interest or liking
To show a liking for someone of the opposite sex just for fun
Synonyms: dally, frivol, trifle
Related Words: josh, kid, put on, razz, rib, tease; fool, lead on, string along; play (with), toy (with)
The LORD says, "The women of Zion are haughty, walking along with outstretched necks, flirting with their eyes, tripping along with mincing steps, with ornaments jingling on their ankles." - Isaiah 3:16
My dad has told me that I should just treat guys like I would any friend, and as nothing more. But I've always wondered if teasing a guy is flirting, even if I would say the same thing to a girl? According to Merriam-Webster "tease" is a related to flirting (see above), but is that all sorts of teasing, or a particular kind? To emphasize my point, here is the definitions of "tease."
3 a: to disturb or annoy by persistent irritating or provoking especially in a petty or mischievous way
b: to annoy with petty persistent requests
c: to persuade to acquiesce especially by persistent small efforts
d: to manipulate or influence as if by teasing
e: to make fun of
5: to tantalize especially by arousing desire or curiosity often without intending to satisfy it
Number five, when arousing an impure "desire or curiosity", is obviously part of the more evil type of flirting, but what about all the others? I enjoy employing a bit of harmless and kindly-meant teasing every now and then, especially with my friends who take it well.
I guess what I've been trying to do with this post is figure out for myself what I think is wrong and right. I believe I have never said anything that could be construed as flirtatious or gossipy that I wouldn't have my parents hear, but sometimes I wonder if I merely comfort my guilt with that thought, instead of considering if my behavior really meets God's approval.
You may be wondering that I didn't come to a conclusion about flirting, and that is because I am still pondering it. But my final thought is that what mostly constitutes gossip and flirting comes from your heart, and if your heart is pure and listening to God, then pure behavior will naturally follow, even if your purity looks different from someone else's.
I'm not sure why I'm sharing all this. I guess I'm just one of those people who makes any musing or thought public in hopes that someone will offer encouraging advice, constructive criticism, or possibly, even gain some insight for themselves. If nothing else, writing it all out has certainly helped me organize my thoughts, and I would love hearing anything my readers have to say.
~Lizzie
Timothy's Twelfth Month!
5 years ago
3 random thoughts:
Okay, well.....I agree with everything you say about gossiping. We should "encourage one another and build each other up" and not tear each other down. It's just wrong, period. That said, on to flirting.
First of all, I absolutely detest the idea of flirting. I cannot emphasize how stupid I think it is. Second of all, I have never seen you do anything remotely close to flirting...just so you have that assurance. Aside from those two points, here is what I think about your little musings:
Yes, it does depend on the purity of the intent to tease. Often that is when you can tell the difference (if you are looking for a difference). Typically when guys and girls flirt (sadly it's mostly the girls these days) you can just tell. At least I think you can, but maybe it all has to do from looking at it from the outside. When our "crowd" hangs out, be obviously aren't flirting. We all tease each other, that is for sure. But I will give you just as hard of a time about sniffing and flouncing as Matt will. :P Actually, I think the guys in our group tease more than we do, but if you haven't notice, that is just how guys are. They tease us, and they tease each other. We tease them and each other (not as much though). But since we are often around each other in a family environment, I think it's more like we are one big family. Okay, to the Bible doesn't say, "tease one another with brotherly love." But it's all harmless fun. As for other people I am not sure. I know that you see what all the guys and girls from the other swim teams at TAC do when they are together. They poke and giggle and are just one big flirting machine (at least, that is what it looks like). One time over winter break I was sitting down by the warm lap pool waiting for a lane to be open so I could swim, and there were all these public schoolers up on the balcony. Even from where I was sitting, when I could hear nothing or really see their facial expressions, I could see they were flirting. One girl was looking hopeful to make conversation with a guy who was obviously not as interested. It was just kind of sad.
This is getting excruciatingly long. But I can't quite get my thoughts together on this matter (maybe we can accomplish that feat by dialogue). I think that flirting is always selfish and often deceptive, both of which are obviously not fruits of the Spirit. I don't think that the way we TCC people interact with each other is flirtatious at all. Come to think of it, I have seen flirtation from the inside before (and almost felt tempted to participate as it was supposedly "cool" and "the thing to do") and it's nothing like our sibling-like ways of hanging out with each other.
Lizzie,
Check out the book "Respectable Sins" by Jerry Bridges. i read it last year, in fact, i think your family got it for me for xmas off my amazon.com wish list.
I also agree with everything you said about gossiping. There's an old saying that says "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." This is so true, and also something I struggle with some.
As someone who has been guilty of flirting, I can tell you that it's definitely not the same thing as teasing. You can tease each other and still be within the brother-sister relationship. I know my cousins and I tease each other alllll the time, and we definitely don't consider that flirting. But I do detest flirting as well, even though I have been guilty of it myself. And yes, you can see it from a distance. It's one of those things that you know it if you see it.
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