When I was little, everything was so simple. My tiny world included my family, "friends" and church. I say "friends" in quotes because I didn't understand then what it meant to really be friends with someone; my "friends" were just people whose first names I knew and was permitted to use - all others were adults, who were addressed by their title and last name. I didn't know what it was to dislike someone. I knew simple things that I expected were widely understood and accepted by all Christians, like "all have sinned" and "by grace we are saved through faith." It was unthinkable to me that Christians could disagree on Biblical issues and I believed that God would answer every prayer with the right answer.
In the past 7 years or so, almost everything I believed has been torn from me. People that I considered my friends have shown that they didn't care for me in the least. I realized that friends are harder to come by and people are not nearly so forgiving as I had once thought. I have found that there don't seem to be any Christians who agree on everything, and some don't even agree on principles that I had always considered imperative to being a Christian. And, on top of that, some people claim to be Christians without really being Christians. Like Hitler. And worst of all... that maybe God doesn't always answer prayers with the right answer, because maybe the person asking didn't have enough faith.
I didn't know what it was like to despair. I was perfectly happy and content. And then the real world shattered my pleasant little life. I realized that there is evil all around, in everything. Malicious and horrifying evil, like I had never understood. Even in my understanding of Satan's evil I had never comprehended how wicked he really is. I probably still don't, but my greater understanding sickens me.
Now I feel so lost. My bright, happy world has disappeared like a pleasant dream to a miserable and shocking awakening. I was so secure in all that I understood and now I feel as though I'm being tossed and pulled in a million different directions in the dark. Of everything that I believed, the only truth I have left is God's word. And that I will not relinquish.
~Lizzie
Timothy's Twelfth Month!
5 years ago
8 random thoughts:
First of all, and this may only convince you of the inability of Christians to even agree with each other...you said: that maybe God doesn't always answer prayers with the right answer, because maybe the person asking didn't have enough faith.
I think God does answer prayers with the "right" answer...it may just not be what you asked for, and that's because it's not in His plan, not because you didn't have enough faith. And maybe that's not exactly what you meant, and I misunderstood how you phrased it.
As far as how a person sees and reacts to the world and the evil in the world...I don't know. I think some of it depends on your personality.
For instance I have a friend who is similar to you, in that she's shocked and dismayed when she comes across something like, say, a friend who turns out to not be a friend (just for example). Myself, being a bit of a skeptic, I very often don't expect the best of people. I know we live in a sinful world and that all of us, even Christians are susceptible to sin, and the world even more so. And I guess because of that I'm not hurt so badly by some things. I don't know...that's just my take on it.
No, I'm starting to doubt that God always answers with the "right" answer. And it's kinda hard to explain, because while I know He's in control, I guess I think that there are several answers that are "right" enough, but the best one might not be given without enough faith. If that makes sense...
I'm sorry (hee-hee, I'm going to apologize!) I hope you didn't think I was jumping all over what you said...since you didn't right-out ask for other people's opinions. I realized maybe you were just venting what you were feeling and I kind of lectured you...which is never cheering. :(
No, that's fine. I appreciate what you said. :) And I was expecting that someone would say something about my views on God answering prayer, since it's kinda strange. As you can tell from my use "maybes" I'm not really certain of it myself.
I'd have to say that I agree with Natalie. God determines a place and time for everything, and everything works out the right way. I, personally (I totally do not mean to slam you or your belief system), think it is a little short-sighted to say that things don't work out right, because you don't see the big picture. God sees the big picture. He not only sees what is going to happen for the next 80 years of your life, He sees what is going to happen for all eternity. Some people who have no faith at all have fine lives, and some people who have loads of faith have terrible lives (aka Martyrs, of course). But that is just the immediate; our life here on earth.
I guess it is actually a little selfish to wish that life would turn out the way we want it here, because that's not what being here on earth is about. We're here firstly to learn to worship God in the best way possible. I am just shocked that everybody, including and probably most especially myself, doesn't really realize it. I mean, what are we going to be doing in Heaven? I guess it seems boring to us to just be sitting at God's feet worshiping the whole time, but isn't that what we should long for the most as Christians?
What I was meaning to say before was that, like Natalie said, God may not answer something with what you think is the "right" answer because it is not in His plan. We're here for the glory of God and everything should be for the glory of God. I don't know specifically what you are thinking about in your life that you think is not getting answered "right" (if we're on the same team Wednesday, maybe we can talk more about this), but...say it's a guy, or a relative who is very sick. You are infatuated with this guy...he isn't perfect, but you see how he is and see what a good, Godly husband he would make. So you pray that God will bring the two of you together. But, no matter how much it pains you, the match would not bring glory to God. Or in the case of a very sick relative...you don't want that relative to die. You want them to stay here with you. It is always so painful to watch someone die, even if you know they are going to Heaven and you'll see them again. But it would bring glory to God if God took them to live with Him.
To tie everything in (and end this dreadfully long post-on-a-post), what we consider to be right is really a matter of selfish opinion (in my own selfish opinion, of course). We're worried about our own lives, and that's perfectly human. I do it. I hardly ever take the time to think how everything in my life brings glory to God, even though I hear it every time I go to Church or some similar God-centered teaching-thing. I just worry about my own life and how it should be going. My life is not the issue. It's not my life; I am living for Christ. That's what a Christian is. So in that sense I guess I'm just as bad as those people I criticize who say they're Christians but go around cussing and drinking and doing drugs and stuff, because I say I'm a Christian, but I don't really make a conscious effort to actually live for Christ. Sure, I obey the Word and pray...but seriously. That's not all there is to it. When Paul is talking about not getting married if you aren't already...
Okay, really...I should stop. Perhaps I'll go blog on this in a few days. :)
I wasn't thinking of things that I wanted when I said that... So far in my life I can see that God has given me exactly what I needed, which was usually not what I'd originally wanted, but I wouldn't have it any other way. So I guess I should have made it a little more clear what I meant... but I'd rather not talk about what I meant here on the blog, so we'll talk about it Wednesday. Hopefully we'll be on the same team. :P
Yeah!! You know, one of these days maybe Kara or I will get to be a captain, and then all three of us can be on a team together!
I don't really understand what you mean, when you talk about feeling lost and despair over evil. What is evil to you? And why do you have that response?
As Americans, most examples of evil that we personally endure are relatively run-of-the-mill compared to things going on in the rest of the world. We do see evil prevalent in our society, in the privatized-morality and individuality and the things it breeds. But I doubt that you are despairing over those things-- only because it's much more difficult to feel the way God feels about things that don't directly impact us or directly hurt other people.
Instead, we are grateful for the lives we live. And hopefully, we rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn (a tough one for me, something i'd like to get better at).
As far as friends go, almost everyone goes through that. I've met some of your friends and been very impressed and I assume ya'll are still tight. I have probably lost (or fallen out of touch with) more friends in my life than you've made-- and that's been painful. I've definitely lost way more friends than I currently have. It will only happen more as/if you move around different places, enter different life-stages, etc. But I try to be thankful for those I have now and seek out christ-like people who will lift me up and challenge me.
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