Romans 15:30-33

Mr. Henderson's sermon in church yesterday was on Romans 15:30-33:
"³⁰ Now I beg you, brethren, through the Lord Jesus Christ, and through the love of the Spirit, that you strive together with me in prayers to God for me, ³¹ that I may be delivered from those in Judea who do not believe, and that my service for Jerusalem may be acceptable to the saints, ³² that I may come to you with joy by the will of God, and may be refreshed together with you. ³³ Now the God of peace be with you all. Amen."

And one of the points Mr. Henderson made that stuck out to me was that Paul was begging his fellow believers to pray for him, and these were people that he didn't even know.

I don't know that I've ever begged someone to pray for me... I didn't need to beg though, because so far in my life, all I've had to do was ask. =P But I guess maybe Paul was begging because he was communicating through writing instead of in person, and since you can't see the person's responding in letter writing you want to impress your point more emphatically...?

Well, I have decided to beg for prayer for myself. If you've been reading my blog for at least a year then you've probably seen some of my posts where I rant, moan and whine about how confused I am and how I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing with myself. It seems like every time I come up with a plan, I find a flaw, or I get scared, or I change my mind. The number of plans I have adopted for a mere day or two are too numerous to count.

The problem, I think, is that my main goal is to eventually get married. I don't know when that will be (if ever), so I'm trying to find some way of making money so that I can support myself if need be. Since I took piano lessons for 9 years, and devoted a good deal of time and work into becoming a proficient pianist, the most obvious option is something involving piano. I really enjoy teaching... I have a few beginner students that I am teaching out of my home.

So, assuming that I will do something with teaching piano, the next obvious step would normally be going to college for piano pedagogy. My problems with college are that I have no desire to learn all the extra required things (like math, science, psychology or other things that colleges may require for degrees) or to spend 4 years of my life learning all of that when I could be teaching for those 4 years. Nor do I wish to leave my family.

However, I know that I lack the ability to teach students any more advanced than beginners, and I wouldn't want to have such a limitation on myself forever. As of yet, all my students have left me before they got close to intermediate level (and maybe that says something about my teaching skills...) and right now I am restricting my advertising to beginners.

My plan for this year (as I've mentioned recently) is taking up lessons again myself (I stopped for a year) and "apprenticing" with my new piano teacher to learn from her how to teach better. Today was the first day that I did the apprenticing, so I'm not sure how it will continue to work out, but today I taught two early intermediate students without her supervision, and I was hoping that she would be supervising and more of teaching me to teach than just giving me a student and saying, "Okay, go." So I'll see how that goes...

But as to future plans, I have begun reconsidering college. Meredith is a good option because it's so close that I could commute, but I don't want to have to do all the non-piano/music things that Meredith requires for a degree. Campbell (as far as I can tell from their websites) requires less non-music classes for a degree, but is just far enough that I would need to live on campus (but could come home on weekends).

The thing is, I think of teaching piano as a temporary option. I am hoping and praying that God's will is to fulfill my deepest desire of being a wife and mother, and if I teach piano after I get married, it probably won't be much. So if it is God's will for me to get married, should I spend 4 years going to school for piano? What if I end up getting married right out of college and don't use my expensive education for anything besides teaching my own children? But then, what if I never get married and my only support is teaching piano lessons for the rest of my life? Wouldn't it be better to go to college and be a skilled teacher so that I can support myself more easily if I'm a confirmed old maid?

So, to condense all that, my prayer requests are:
For God's continued guidance
For Him to give me wisdom
For me to have joy and contentment no matter where I am
For His will to be worked in my life (hopefully including a husband and family ;) )
And through wherever my life path takes me, that He will shape my character and use me to His glory.

Thank you for praying for me!

~Lizzie

The obliviousness cloud has cleared...

I remember when the Northern Wake Tech campus was just a flat expanse of red mud, and Mom was so happy that it would probably open just in time for me to begin dual-enrollment (the year I turned 16). And now, after watching 3 semesters of opportunity for free education pass me by, I've finally come to my senses, only a little late. The late registration deadline for the spring semester is tomorrow. Mom and I went over to Wake Tech today to see if I could get in, and the English class that I wanted to do was completely full.

So now I have the summer classes, fall semester and spring semester before I graduate and have to start paying for classes. I've got a very long list of classes that I was interested in, and hopefully the ones that I was most interested in will fit into this last year (considering prerequisites and all).

And hopefully I will acquire some time management skills... I don't know if it's just a problem that occurs when you get older, or if it's me doing something wrong (like too much computer...? :P) but it seems that 24 hours just isn't enough time for everything I want to do, even if I disregard sleeping and food.

I am pretty excited about these Wake Tech classes now... I'm particularly interested in Cosmetology and Interior Design. So anyway. We'll see if I can get it all in without squeezing out something I'm already doing, like swimming, voice, dance, theater...

~Lizzie

Random

I ordered a Creative Zen MP3 player. I recently decided that I wanted an iPod, but I talked to my dad about it and he said that he didn't think it was wise for me to spend $200 on an already outdated iPod (I was looking at the nano). So I looked for some cheaper options. The Zen that I decided on is $80 ($120 cheaper!) with 2GB, an extra media slot (for more space, if desired) and FM radio among other things. I actually like its features better than the iPod features, and I came out of the deal $100 richer (I got a case that was $20).

I'm excited about the upcoming arrival of my Zen for another reason. My mom recently found this site which offers FREE audio books! You can download them and listen on your MP3 player. I've already got a list that I want to listen to.

The meet Tuesday went pretty well. The team was really small, and we basically crushed them, so it was sad (to me). Plus not as much fun. It's more exciting when it's closer. We won 300-something to 100-something. I got some nice pictures though (I'm sure you're all tired of pictures [OBVIOUSLY, since I haven't gotten much of anything in the way of comments.... *sulks* Just kidding :D] but you'll just have to deal with it.)

Nat, my friend's absolutely adorable little sister.

Sarah, taking a pic of me taking a pic of her. :P

Jess and Kara

From closest to furthest: my little bro, David, then Will and Chandler.

Our 15-18 free relays. We had no competition, so our girls team swam the boys team. (Courtesy of Vic.)

We're actually a little ahead! (We still lost. Why do boys always win? Don't answer that.) Also courtesy of Vic.

Kara and I (and Kara's pizza! Haha.) Courtesy of Jessica.

Kara, me and Jess. Courtesy of my sister, Sarah.

Will's totally awesome tatoo. His brother did it with a Sharpie... I wanted one, but there wasn't time. We plan on forcing them on the whole team for the TSA Championships this Sunday.

On a more serious note, I have a big decision in the near future. The fall registration for piano is coming up and I'm considering quitting. This would be a big change for me, since I've been taking lessons ever since I was 8. I will, of course, keep it up. I will always love to play, but I'm quite certain that I won't be going to college and majoring in music, and I'm taking from a teacher that specialized in preparing students for college, and as such, she is rightfully somewhat expensive. I am content with the level of expertise that I have achieved, and I don't think it's necessary for me to go any higher since I'm not going to college. So all the signs seem to be pointing towards quitting lessons. Anyway, if you feel like giving me your advice, I will listen (read....) and I would greatly appreciate prayer for wisdom and guidance.

~Lizzie

Deception and frustration

3 years ago it seemed harmless enough. I was a rising freshman, going into high school (which really means almost nothing when you're home-schooled) and everyone wanted to know what college I was going to go to, and what I wanted to major in. My mom had already suggested that if I went to college, maybe I could go to Meredith and live at home. So when the first well-meaning inquisitor asked where I was going to go to college, I though, "Well.... I MIGHT go to college. I guess I should say 'Meredith.'" So I did. This question was followed by "What are you going to major in?" For nearly a year I managed to hold off answering this question by just shrugging and saying, "I'm not sure." Finally, I answered the question by blurting "Music." And ever since then, that's been my story, and I've stuck with it (and been stuck TO it).

I successfully deceived everyone... including my parents and siblings. My mom was talking to my piano teacher and happened to mention my college plans... and my teacher was thrilled. For 2 years now I've been preparing to fulfill this lie. And now it's become such part of my life that I'm not sure how to get out of it. I've never wanted to go to college, I love music, but I don't want to major in it. I do have a dream, but it's one I've never felt able to share. Even now I'm scared to share it, even though I know many of my friends probably share my dream. As a matter of fact, I can probably continue writing this paragraph for hours just to postpone confessing what my dream is. I could even switch over to a paragraph whining about how my dream isn't very well accepted into our modern American culture. But I think I'm just going to say it.

I want to get married, and have at least 13 kids. Not after college, not after a career. That's it. That's all. Just a wife and mother. For some reason I'm cringing even as I type this, wondering what kind of responses I'm going to get.

Over the past 2 years of my deceiving everyone, I justified my deception by convincing myself that even if I did just want to get married and have kids, logically I should go to college anyway. I mean, lots of people don't get married. I certainly don't want to be stuck without a job if "Mr. Right" never shows up, do I? No. But do I really need to go to college? My dad has offered to help me start a home-based business, an idea that I'm really excited about. I just have to think of a good business idea (yes, I do have one in mind, and we'll see how it goes....)

So I've finally decided that I'm not going to college. So I 'fess up, and apologize for all the lying and tell everyone who asks about college what my new decision is, right? No, I'm a spineless wimp who can't even say I'm not going to college. Just today, I finally yanked up my courage and.... told my piano teacher (the one who was so thrilled to learn that I was planning on majoring in music) that "I'm not going to go to college next year...." So naturally, she asks what I'm going to do instead. "Um..... dual enrollment at Wake Tech." Liar, liar, liar!!!!! At least this time it was an idea that I THOUGHT about (but have since dismissed).

And perhaps the worst part about all this is the lie that I'm stuck in this lie. At any time, I can confess and apologize to everyone. I might disappoint some people (Sarah is sadly disappointed that I'm not moving out and going to college. She wanted to paint our room.... and I won't explain how she wanted to paint our room because I always explain it wrong. Maybe she'll explain it) but it's the truth... and maybe "the truth will set you free" works in this instance too. (Yes, I know it's out of context.) So what I've really got to do is just confess this to everyone. Anyway, it's not their life, is it? It's mine, to use as God wills. And right now, I'm just lying about it. That can't be God's will.

Oh, I'm soooo frustrated. But at least I'm no longer confused about what I want to do; just what to do about this lie. Hey, isn't there a Veggie Tales about lying? I think I remember a purple creature with blue polka dots that got bigger and bigger until Junior confessed his fib. I definitely have one HUGE fib here, and it's sitting on my shoulders...

So anyway. If any of you feel like praying for me as I untangle myself, it would be much appreciated.

~Lizzie

Today was the day.

I sat in my dad's car, palms sweating and talking to myself. "Calm down. You'll be fine! Don't make eye-contact, remember everything you've learned. Focus. Focus......" *insert dramatic action music here*

I called Mom and announced that I had safely arrived. I left my cell phone in the cup holder and hopped out of the car. I grabbed my backpack and followed the swarm of public-schooled teenagers toward what I hoped was Building 200. This was it. The day I'd been dreading. Spending my whole Saturday morning taking the SAT surrounded by "normal" adolescents.

Outside of an apparently locked Building 200 was a very small amount of students. All very calmly waiting for something to happen. I saw a guy chattering with some friends and waving his admission ticket around aimlessly, and my heart stopped cold. I forgot my admission ticket. I ran out to the car, and called Mom, who sent Daddy to the rescue.

I stood on the sidewalk waiting for Daddy to get there and watched what seemed like thousands more test-takers seeping into the school. The calm kids that I'd seen sitting outside of Building 200 were obviously the nerds and geeks. Now arriving were the cheerleader/volleyball/popular girls and football/truck guys. Almost late, they sauntered in with their Abercrombie and Hollister labels, perfect hair, and disdainful looks. I was sure that if they noticed me, it was only to criticize my still-wet hair, Seahawks sweatshirt and old loose jeans.

Daddy delivered my left-behind admission ticket, and I hurried back to Building 200. There were at least 100 people standing outside the building. I stood there in the crowd, feeling short and claustrophobic, wondering if we were supposed to be just standing there. I worked my way to the front of the crowd to see if I could figure out what to do. As I squirmed politely through the throng of chattering American teens, a man jumped up on the air conditioning unit and began shouting something I couldn't hear. "Dude, he should like, get a megaphone or something" I heard from somewhere behind me.

Once I finally got close enough to hear what the man was saying, I understood that I was supposed to go over to an inconspicous wall of the building where I would find a list of groupings and room numbers.

First task: Alphabetically determine where your last name falls and remember the corresponding number (mine was T-801-11). Decipher code (Trailer # 801, room 11) and make your way to your designated testing room.

I found Trailer 801 easily, and room 11 was the first room to the left as I entered the building. I presented my recently aquired admission ticket and photo ID (driver's license) and dropped in a desk with relief.

For 15 minutes, we sat waiting for the last students to trickle in. I amused myself by mentally laughing at all the kids who apparently couldn't complete the first task successfully. "Is this the B's?" a guy asked frantically as we got closer to starting without late arrivals. "No," the proctor replied for what seemed like the 10th time, "this is the H's." "Man!" the student exclaimed as he hurried off. I've determined that the illogically placed information sheet is to eliminate anyone who doesn't listen to the man on the A/C unit.

Finally we began filling in our personal information on the answer sheet and test booklets. This was also amusing, as one of the students asked "What goes in box 9, again?" even though the boxes were labeled. *shakes head sadly* I'm not trying to be cruel... that could have been me. But it wasn't. :P

We finally began the test. To my horror, the essay was first. I had convinced myself that it was best for it to be last.. and it wasn't last. I don't know why I thought it was. The essay was the worst part for me. My writing HAS to be inspired. I write blog posts when I'm inspired... I cannot write on demand. And 25 minutes isn't long enough to write a decent DRAFT of an essay! But 25 minutes is all I had. And I filled a page with my almost-essay.

The other 9 sections went fairly well. They weren't as hard as I was expecting. Some of the math was even kinda easy.... most of it wasn't though. The worst part was trying to concentrate and not throw in the towel during nearly 5 hours of filling in circles. And the breaks were ridiculously short. I went out in the hall to eat my snack, and almost got left out! The proctor closed the door on me and I had to rush in to keep them from starting back without me.

When the test was finally over we signed a statement promising not to discuss the problems or essay questions until we got our scores and then were dismissed. I ran to the parking lot in hopes of getting out before the parking lot was crowded with all the other kids leaving. No such luck. It actually took me 10 minutes just to get on the road.

Now I intend to relax. I'm immensely relieved that that is over, and even if I got a horrible score, I'm never going to take the SATs again! Never, ever, ever. I'm really not sure why I took it, because now that I've finally convinced myself that I have the freedom to not go to college if I so choose, I'm determined that I don't want to go to college.

~Lizzie

Unpleasant surprise

Yesterday morning I checked my email, and there was an email from CollegeBoard labeled "Your SAT Admission Ticket." "Hmm," I thought, "I wonder why they're sending it so early. I'm not signed up for the SAT until June." So I opened the email. And woe is me, somehow I forgot which date we had decided on... and I'm actually signed up to take the SAT THIS SATURDAY!!

I guess I can take it this Saturday, but I was thinking that I would take it in June, so now I am unsettled at having to take it so suddenly and I was hoping to find that one of my friends might be taking the SAT at the same time and at the same test center so that I could have a fellow homeschooler as I traverse temporarily into the world of public-schooled people. But alas, so far I have not found someone.

I'm scared... I hate taking tests.

~Lizzie

Getting nowhere real fast.

*warning: this post might be somewhat similar to my last post, and therefore may be somewhat depressing. Do not read if you have a history of heart problems or chronic depression, and ask your doctor, etc...*

Those of you who are so unlucky as to be somewhat close to me probably know how I've been back and forth a million times about college. "I'm going. Not going. Going. Definitely not. Absolutely! Heck, no..... Sure. NO!!" (Fortunately I don't have the added worry of trying to think of where. I'm actually almost positive that IF I go to college, I want to go to Campbell University.) I feel like I've been running for my life, and I stopped to catch my breath and realized I'd been running in circles and spent all that energy for nothing. (Hey, maybe I've got some serious muscles from all that work..... =P)

And possibly worst of all, I can't think of anyone I can commiserate with because almost everyone I know (or at least everyone I've had a chance to ask) seems to have it all together. They know exactly what they want and they're going for it. I can't even run a straight line. I think I need to go back to preschool.

So when people ask me about college, do I say, "Well, I'm not even sure that I want to attend a college"? No. I'm a liar and a scaredy-cat. I have my automatic responses. As soon as those well-meaning people ask about my college plans, I rattle off my top 3 and recite my major. Campbell, Meredith and UNC-G; Piano Pedagogy. (For those of you who may not know, pedagogy is specifically for teaching private lessons, distinct from Music Education, which is teaching a music class, generally in a public or private school.)

So if I've lied to you, I apologize. For right now, I'm completely lost and confused, and I'm just going to sit here, gasping for breath in my little dust cloud and wait until I KNOW I can run straight before I get going again. Maybe I'll even try to figure out why I was running.

Three good things that have really been driven home (even deeper than before) by this time of my life are these: My God is an AWESOME God, (Thank Him!!!) He reigns, and He has given me the greatest parents ever. Even while I'm wasting my time worrying and being stressed, He's using it all for my good. Wow, just typing that was like a fresh breeze blowing away my self-created dirt cloud and lifting me back to my feet!

~Lizzie