Life in general...

I haven't had much time for lengthy blog posts... it seems that short little things on Facebook get more response anyway. ;) But, even if it's just for myself, I like to keep some track of what's going on in my life. So, on my plate for this year:

-Teaching my 12 piano students
-Taking piano and voice myself
-Theatre and broadway dance
-Swimming

Some of my goals are to continue to improve my cooking, and thriftiness. To help with my money management and budgeting, I'm paying for all of my activities, buying my dad's car from him (and he's looking for a "new" car) and paying for my own personal spending from my own earnings. If I can't pay for it, I can't afford it.

I'm still trying to go to bed earlier, and get up earlier. I've also been trying to get up early enough to have a Bible study time in the morning. Abigail wrote an inspiring post about the importance of starting the day just a few days after I'd been feeling that waiting until the evening wasn't a good idea for me, and that gave me the extra nudge I needed. I can't get up and instantly start reading though, so I give myself some time to wake up so I can devote my attention to reading and prayer.

It feels weird being in something of an in-between phase; since I've graduated from high school, but am not planning on going to college. I am apprenticing with my piano teacher, learning as much as I can about teaching, and teaching my own students, focusing on some home-making skills for the future if I get married and continuing my interest in theatre arts, plus widening my musical attempts into voice. And I'm even trying to include some higher level "school" type study in. I'm excited, but also a little intimidated, since this is the first time in my life that I haven't had an "end" in sight: like the end of high school. There is no longer any sort of time-line that I can see. Suddenly, life feels bigger and more adventuresome.

~Lizzie

This too, shall pass...

So far this year that has been coming up a lot in my thoughts. As my senior year, and the senior year of many of my friends, I've been realizing that a lot of changes are coming. It's a feeling of dread and premonition, but also of excitement and mystery. It's sad, because I can never go back, but also happy, because I am moving forward into the future with hopeful prospects.

I've been trying to enjoy every "last" moment, like my last swim meet on a team with my siblings. Actually, swimming has mostly been my only "lasts" because other than aging out, my life isn't changing much. It just feels like it is. And that's what I think has called my notice to the thought: that this moment will eventually be gone. In the day to day, something as simple as laughing with my siblings over something funny or watching a beautiful sunset while taking a family stroll down our dirt road, I'll suddenly be struck with the thought that life will not always be like this. We're growing up, getting older and changing. Eventually, we will move out, get married, have kids ourselves and eventually die. And that, for us as Christians, is only the beginning, so I won't get all depressing here.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that this year has taught me to enjoy every second to the fullest. This moment will never be here again. If you knew that you had one chance to try the most decadent and delicious dessert ever; that you would get only one bite, and you'd have to live with that taste of it as your only experience of that dessert for the rest of your life, imagine how you would savor it. Now imagine every moment of your life is a new and delicious dessert, and you only get one taste. Enjoy.

The End of 2009

It is usually the practice at the end of a year to reflect on the past year, see what you wish you could change and then come up with appropriate "New Year's Resolutions" to help you towards that goal of a "better you." Or something like that. I have given up on New Years Resolutions because anything associated with New Years Resolutions is inevitably given up before the end of January.

I reflect on the past year, and look forward to the New Year. I also think of things that I hope to have accomplished by the END of the next year; rather than some repetitive task that I must do every day or fail, I come up with more long term goals, and strive to be as diligent as I can in completing or following them.

Last year, my list was:

Long-term Goals for the year:
Get on a better sleep schedule. (I kinda did... for a few months. It hasn't been successful since Thanksgiving, though. Something to continue in the next year!)

Improve my cooking skills, especially in areas that I don't enjoy. (This was definitely successful, especially since the goal was to "improve" not "become a world-famous chef" but also something I will continue to focus on)

Find some way of earning income. (I have 3 piano students, and it's earning me enough to cover some of my expenses. If I end up an old maid, I would likely make enough money to at least not be a burden to my parents, and hopefully enough to support them if necessary... still looking into other possibilities though.)

Improve my singing ability. (Um, no. Not really. I feel closer to confident in my ability to harmonize... a little.)

One-time projects:
Finish redecorating the bathroom. (No... not a good idea financially.)

Finish setting up my sewing area. (Yes!)

Finish sewing the shirts Kara, Jess and I began last year. (No... but that should be taken off, because it's not MY fault! I keep waiting for both of them to be available at the same time... I'm beginning to wonder how we found the time to start them in the first place! =P )

Get my bookcases organized and neat. (I did clean off several disgusting "inspirational" romance novels that I picked up at the library booksale - $5 for a huge box. My goodness, the stuff that passes for "Christian" fiction nowadays... but not the thorough organization and elimination I was hoping for. That will be continued.)

Begin the skirt I've been wanting to make. (No. I've made several other things with fabric that we already happened to have, so I think I'll wait on the skirt until I find just the right fabric on sale...)

So, for 2010, my goals are:

Long-term:

Better sleep schedule
Improve cooking
Improve singing
Improve general house cleanliness


One-time projects:
Clean off bookcase
Make a layered cake
Make Regency dress


I've also been thinking about unavoidable things coming up in 2010... such as the approach of my 19th birthday. I'm terrified of 19. Turning 16 felt like a milestone, but it was still young. One of my friends was convinced that we were "old" when we turned 17 in June 2008. 18 should be scary, as legal adulthood, but for some reason 19 is the age that I've been dreading.

I'll be graduating from highschool... FINALLY! And beginning my self-study "college" work. If I attend college, I will probably begin in the fall of 2011.

Also, it will be my last summer competing in swimming. I'm hoping to achieve some times that will be a good "end" to my swimming, even though I will, of course, continue to swim. The times I get this summer will probably be the fastest times I will ever get in my life, so I want to make them good ones!

Since turning 19 is definitely inescapable, I've decided to look forward to it, along with everything else the year will hold! I'm excited to see what God will do in the next year.

Thoughts on Forgiveness

As a child, I was compelled by my parents to ask forgiveness for offenses committed against my siblings. I was very rebellious, and usually repeated the required phrase in as saucy and sarcastic a tone as I could get away with. The make-up hug and kiss were harder to skew, but I did my best. A sad comparison to me, all of my siblings were much better at asking forgiveness, and giving it when I was forced to ask for it. However, my parents' training paid off even on their most rebellious and defiant child, and now even I earnestly try to forgive and apologize for my own wrongs whenever the Spirit prompts me... and when I know good and well that I need to... (not that I'm perfect at that or anything...)

Recently I've been pondering how important forgiveness and humble apologies are for any relationship. Christians can get angry, say hurtful things, hold onto grudges or nurse wounded feelings just like others, but if we allow ourselves to be humbled, sincerely apologize, and forgive the other person whether or not they apologize themselves, we could easily save a badly damaged relationship. I don't know about everyone else, but when someone hurts me, it is very hard for me to forgive them before they apologize... I do, and have, and will, but when they come to me and honestly apologize, it is as if the incident had never happened, and sometimes accepted apologies and renewed forgiveness create an even stronger bond than the one that was strained by the hurt.

I used to think that this verse applied only to angelic people who were never angered, and who could keep peace before an argument even started. I wrote myself off as being incapable of being a peacemaker when I was very young. Now I think that being a peacemaker has nothing to do with whether or not you started the problem, but whether or not you are willing to do everything you can to make it right later.
"Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God." -Matthew 5:9

Thoughts like this I store up my "mental" hope chest... every time I put it into practice in my current life, I am, of course, trying to heal my relationships with my family members, but I am also storing up experience for married life. I think I have no false delusions about how very often I will need these peace-making skills...

~Lizzie

Lessons through pain

Well, as any readers who read this blog last year will remember, one of our cats got really sick with kidney failure and almost died. The doctors didn't think she'd make it through the night, so we went to see her thinking we were saying goodbye. But we prayed for her, and the next morning the doctors were amazed at how well she was doing. We took her home, and she started acting like her normal self... chasing her tail around, scratching on mirrors and generally making a sweet nuisance of herself.

But after a few months, she went back into a decline and died October 24. Not quite a year after getting out of the hospital.

It's amazing how much pain and stress it put our whole family through for the past year. Personally, it was a very hard time for me. I know she was "only" a cat, but she was definitely the sweetest one of our three (although also capable of being the most annoying...) and this was my first up-close experience of having to see an innocent creature suffering. I can't imagine how horrible it would be to be that close to a person suffering that severely (or worse).

It also put a good deal of strain on my relationship with God. I didn't and still don't understand why He "healed" her a year ago in the hospital just to let her suffer for another year and die of kidney failure anyway. Was it MY fault? Did I not have enough faith? Did we "undo" her healing by treating her with medication like the doctors told us to?

Or, the worst thought of all: did He heal her just to teach me all the hard lessons I learned this year watching her die?

Of the many lessons I've learned this year, the main two and the only ones I'm going to mention are these:
I've learned to trust God, no matter what. Even when it seems like there can be no possible good, I know that "all things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose." I don't have to understand what He's doing to trust Him.
The other thing I've learned is to tell God exactly what I'm feeling. He can handle my doubts, my fears, my pain, my tears and even my anger. And through difficult circumstances like these I can either turn my back on God, or use it to grow closer to him. And this life will seem so short compared to eternity that all the pain I feel in my entire life will seem less than the pain of stubbing a toe.

All these thoughts had been growing in the back of my mind, but the Jeremy Camp concert at the state fair was when it all came completely into focus and I had one of those mind-blowing moments of understanding. And that's when I finally let go of everything I'd been holding onto. Whatever else God may have done through one little cat for the rest of my family, I know He used the situation greatly in my heart, and I'm thankful. Even through the pain that I still feel, I can praise Him. He is good, and His mercy endures forever.

And even though she was just a cat, I believe Shadow is in heaven now, and I will get to see her again, just like all the Christian people that have and will get to heaven before me.

~Lizzie

Please don't bring your issues to my pity party...

Many times, when I am frustrated with something, I will try to comfort myself with the thought that someday, *I* will do it differently! My children will always be obedient, my kitchen always clean and organized and my household will flow like a merry fairy-tale...

Hahaha.

If I can't be patient now, having my own kids won't make it easier. Maybe my future home won't have the same irritations that I face now, but there will still be things to test my character. If I am not content now, there is no reason I will be content later. I will always be looking toward the future, waiting for that moment when every piece in my world falls into place...

And it finally sank into my head. Years of hearing that you must be content in all things, and it took 18 years for me to get it. But I think that I can truthfully say that I got it now! That does NOT mean that I am always content, but now, rather than wallowing in my pity party and wistfully dreaming of that "perfect" future, I remind myself that where I am now is a part of His plan, and I am meant to learn from my current circumstances.

And really, what do I have to not be content about? It's not as if my circumstances are very difficult! God has taken care of my family. We are all together, we have a house with running water, food to eat, clothes to wear, two cars, a grand piano and several Bibles. When I remember all that I have, and what some in this world do not have, I am ashamed that I could ever be discontent.

"Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content." Philippians 4:11

~Lizzie

Romans 15:30-33

Mr. Henderson's sermon in church yesterday was on Romans 15:30-33:
"³⁰ Now I beg you, brethren, through the Lord Jesus Christ, and through the love of the Spirit, that you strive together with me in prayers to God for me, ³¹ that I may be delivered from those in Judea who do not believe, and that my service for Jerusalem may be acceptable to the saints, ³² that I may come to you with joy by the will of God, and may be refreshed together with you. ³³ Now the God of peace be with you all. Amen."

And one of the points Mr. Henderson made that stuck out to me was that Paul was begging his fellow believers to pray for him, and these were people that he didn't even know.

I don't know that I've ever begged someone to pray for me... I didn't need to beg though, because so far in my life, all I've had to do was ask. =P But I guess maybe Paul was begging because he was communicating through writing instead of in person, and since you can't see the person's responding in letter writing you want to impress your point more emphatically...?

Well, I have decided to beg for prayer for myself. If you've been reading my blog for at least a year then you've probably seen some of my posts where I rant, moan and whine about how confused I am and how I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing with myself. It seems like every time I come up with a plan, I find a flaw, or I get scared, or I change my mind. The number of plans I have adopted for a mere day or two are too numerous to count.

The problem, I think, is that my main goal is to eventually get married. I don't know when that will be (if ever), so I'm trying to find some way of making money so that I can support myself if need be. Since I took piano lessons for 9 years, and devoted a good deal of time and work into becoming a proficient pianist, the most obvious option is something involving piano. I really enjoy teaching... I have a few beginner students that I am teaching out of my home.

So, assuming that I will do something with teaching piano, the next obvious step would normally be going to college for piano pedagogy. My problems with college are that I have no desire to learn all the extra required things (like math, science, psychology or other things that colleges may require for degrees) or to spend 4 years of my life learning all of that when I could be teaching for those 4 years. Nor do I wish to leave my family.

However, I know that I lack the ability to teach students any more advanced than beginners, and I wouldn't want to have such a limitation on myself forever. As of yet, all my students have left me before they got close to intermediate level (and maybe that says something about my teaching skills...) and right now I am restricting my advertising to beginners.

My plan for this year (as I've mentioned recently) is taking up lessons again myself (I stopped for a year) and "apprenticing" with my new piano teacher to learn from her how to teach better. Today was the first day that I did the apprenticing, so I'm not sure how it will continue to work out, but today I taught two early intermediate students without her supervision, and I was hoping that she would be supervising and more of teaching me to teach than just giving me a student and saying, "Okay, go." So I'll see how that goes...

But as to future plans, I have begun reconsidering college. Meredith is a good option because it's so close that I could commute, but I don't want to have to do all the non-piano/music things that Meredith requires for a degree. Campbell (as far as I can tell from their websites) requires less non-music classes for a degree, but is just far enough that I would need to live on campus (but could come home on weekends).

The thing is, I think of teaching piano as a temporary option. I am hoping and praying that God's will is to fulfill my deepest desire of being a wife and mother, and if I teach piano after I get married, it probably won't be much. So if it is God's will for me to get married, should I spend 4 years going to school for piano? What if I end up getting married right out of college and don't use my expensive education for anything besides teaching my own children? But then, what if I never get married and my only support is teaching piano lessons for the rest of my life? Wouldn't it be better to go to college and be a skilled teacher so that I can support myself more easily if I'm a confirmed old maid?

So, to condense all that, my prayer requests are:
For God's continued guidance
For Him to give me wisdom
For me to have joy and contentment no matter where I am
For His will to be worked in my life (hopefully including a husband and family ;) )
And through wherever my life path takes me, that He will shape my character and use me to His glory.

Thank you for praying for me!

~Lizzie

Oh, beautiful weather!

I love every season, but I always feel most excited about the season that is just beginning! I think God planned them perfectly so that when fall is here, I'm exactly ready for it... summer is neither too long nor too short. And then fall with its cool breezes, warm sun, falling leaves smoothly segues into winter, with freezing weather making the perfect condition to sit inside under a warm afghan by the fire with a book and a cup of hot chocolate or hot tea. About the time you're tired of being stuck inside, spring brings cheerful birds and fresh, cool mornings, with lovely flowers and new life. And then summer is back: gardens, summer flowers, swimming, cold lemonade and breezy moonlit walks...

I think I would be perfectly happy in a cozy little house in the middle of lots of land, with my own garden, and no reason to leave every day. My life is so crazy, sometimes I wonder if maybe I should be enjoying home life more... taking care of a garden, hanging clothes out on a clothesline, baking all the things it seems I never have time for, cleaning, sewing, playing piano just for fun, reading... but with my previously mentioned schedule, I hardly have time to get all the other work done.

On Monday, I have to go to my lesson, and help teach. That takes all afternoon. In the morning, I have to eat breakfast, do schoolwork, eat lunch and leave. And I don't have enough time to finish my schoolwork. I leave from my lesson, pick up Sarah at band, go home, help fix supper, eat, try to finish schoolwork and go to bed.

On Tuesday, I have to get up, eat breakfast, do school ("school" includes practice piano) and leave for swimming. We eat "lunch" at about 4 in the afternoon when we get home (starving!) and then Sarah and I leave for dance and theatre. We get home around 8 and eat supper. This past Tuesday, our director decided to spring auditions on us, so I have 4 days left now to prepare a song and monologue for audition. And I don't even know what character I would like to try out for!

On Wednesday, I get up, eat breakfast, do school and leave for swimming and water polo. Again, we eat "lunch" after swimming when we get home around 4. Then I have a few hours to do school, help fix supper and eat before we leave for our Wednesday night prayer meeting (Radical Wednesday). We leave at 7, and don't usually get home until 10... sometimes 11.

On Thursday, I get up, eat breakfast (is this redundant yet?), do school and leave for swimming. We eat when we get home at 4. Sometimes I take Sarah to band and we don't get home until 6. Then we help fix supper, eat and I usually waste the rest of the evening because by Thursday, I'm so exhausted that I don't even want to think about doing something productive (sad to say...).

On Friday, I get up, clean my room, eat breakfast, and clean the living room and foyer in preparation for my piano students. I have a student that comes at 10:30am. Then I practice piano, help fix lunch, work on school or cleaning my room (or the monologue, song and character analysis that I STILL HAVEN'T DONE!!! Ahhhhhhh!!) and on the first Friday of every month I have my "once-a-month" students at 3 and 3:30. (That's today, so right now I'm home by myself, because Mom took the boys to basketball practice, and Sarah went with them. Daddy's at work.) On the days when I don't have afternoon students, I usually take the boys to basketball practice. They get home around 4. (Hmm... we seem to get home at 4 a lot...) Then I have the rest of the afternoon to clean, work on school, practice or whatever I need to do. Fix supper, eat, usually watch some TV, and go to bed.

Saturdays don't really have a schedule, but there's usually something that we have to do around the house, or maybe shopping that needs to be done. I like to sew or do some fun baking or "deep" cleaning where I clean out junk that I somehow collect like a magnet.

On Sundays we usually stay home and do the bare minimum of work and relax. If we don't, the next week is even more stressful and hectic than the last week. You can only go, go, go for so long before you explode, crash and burn.

So if you noticed, I have a lot that I should be doing right now instead of writing this blog post. It's sometimes so overwhelming that I just shove it all aside and do something useless, like writing this post... it actually helps, because it organizes my thoughts and gives me a break so that I don't go completely insane.

And then I take a few minutes to wish that I could have a homey life ("wash day," "baking day," "cleaning day"...) sigh, and then go do SOMETHING that I need to do. I'm trying to keep ahead, and I think I'm doomed to be behind... behind in what is the variable. =\

Let the usefulness now resume...

~Lizzie

Have you ever been hungry and nauseous at the same time?

I'm sitting here wrapped in a quilt, feeling hot and cold by turns. I've been in bed almost all morning, and I'm tired of laying there when it doesn't make me feel any better. I have decided to push aside polite rules and my own embarrassment to share with you something that I think everyone should know about. I won't make it as much of a TMI post as it could be, but it will definitely be more TMI than I usually am. So there's your warning.

Some girls need to know that all girls don't have their "time" as easily as they do, so that they can sympathize. Other girls need to know that they are not alone in their suffering. I used to try to suffer through, and push myself to live a normal day. I feel horribly lazy to have a "sick" day for something that healthy women are SUPPOSED to have for around 30 years of their life, but the truth is that this pain is real and it shouldn't be ignored. (Although it is also not natural, and it should be treated.)

Guys should know what this feminine "sickness" is like for girls... your mom, sister or wife will appreciate your sympathy even if she has it "easy." And if you're grossed out or don't want to hear about it, I recommend that you either never get married, or just get over it.

The medical term for it is Dysmenorrhea. Their description, however, comes nowhere near close to the excruciating pain I feel. It feels like there is a monster hand twisting and knotting my insides, and slowing pulling my insides inside-out. The slightest movement of something as remote as my toes gives causes a deepening in the pain. Breathing hurts. Lying down doesn't help much. There aren't words to describe this unique torture, so I won't try.

My whole body aches, and even without the horrific cramps, the ache would keep me from resting comfortably. My muscles feel heavy and slack. I'm shaking, and if I try to stand up, or move my head to fast, I'll get dizzy.

I'm nauseous, and I have stabbing hunger pains. From previous experience, I know that it's better to be nauseous and hungry than to eat something and then fight throwing it up. Eventually the hunger pains fade anyway... if you're hungry long enough, the hunger goes away.

If I stay active, I will eventually get a hot flash immediately followed by a cold sweat. Then the blood will drain from my face, and if I don't sit down, I will faint. I've only fainted once, fortunately.

From that point, my symptoms usually start fading. It usually only lasts a day for me, but for some it can last as long as a week.

Doctors will usually prescribe the Pill. The pill actually causes normal female fertility to temporarily cease, including menstruation. The placebo week is fake, to make users feel comfortable that they aren't completely interfering with their body's natural processes. When in actuality, they are. (Bad idea.)

Red Raspberry leaf is a natural hormone balancing herb. I've been taking it religiously for about 2 months, and it has helped a lot. It hasn't helped as much this time, but I still feel better than I usually feel. I hope that Red Raspberry is the answer, and eventually this pain will be a vague memory for me, which is why I decided to write this post while I still know what it feels like.

I hope I didn't disturb you too much, and that this was helpful for someone.

~Lizzie

On my schedule this year...

Monday: piano lesson and student-teaching/assisting with some younger students

Tuesday: Swimming, Broadway Dance and Theatre class.

Wednesday: Swimming, water polo, possibly Adv. Acting (not decided yet) and Radical Wednesday (Wednesday night church meeting).

Thursday: Swimming

Friday: Teaching my own piano students.

Throw in school, and my siblings' activities like band, basketball and baseball and it makes for a fuller schedule than it appears.

For my "super" senior year, I'm doing business math, Human Biology, Spanish (still...) and an assortment of history, writing and literature books. For the first time, I get to choose what I'd like to do, instead of what I need to graduate! The beginning of school is always exciting, with new books and the prospect of interesting things to learn, but the excitement usually fades very quickly for me. This year I anticipate enjoying my "school" work much more. Mostly because I don't feel like it IS school, since I'm learning things that will be useful and interesting for me!

Along with school-type books, I've also selected several books on Christianity, health, etc. to read as a part of school this year... an idea that I got from Meredith. =) I began with Stepping Heavenward on Sunday, and finished it Monday in the car as we drove to Wilmington to visit my Nana. I've never been able to read in the car without feeling sick before, so I've either outgrown it, or the book was just so engrossing that I didn't feel sick... whatever is was, I REALLY enjoyed Stepping Heavenward!

I'm also adjusting my sleeping schedule so that I go to bed earlier, and get up earlier. When I was younger I didn't understand why "early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise," but now I realize that you get so much more productive work done when you get up early. It truly gives you more DAY time, and as my late evenings are usually spent in some unproductive activity like TV or computer, I think rising early is an important habit for me to form. It is also healthier, because 10pm-2am are the best hours of sleep, and if you get those hours of sleep you can spend less time sleeping, but still wake up feeling refreshed and energized.

I'm so excited about everything this school year may hold!

~Lizzie

My recent thoughts on courtship...

I was raised with the idea of courtship. Even when I was little, I knew that I wasn't going to have the typical "boyfriend/girlfriend" relationship. When I was about 7, two of my friends in the neighborhood had boyfriends. And I didn't know WHY it was wrong, I just knew it was wrong. (Unfortunately, though, I decided that I needed to fit in, so for about a year I had a pretend "half"-boyfriend.)

As I grew older, I read many books on the subject of courtship, and formed my own opinions of what it should be. I understand the reasons against dating, the reasons for courtship, and now have several good reasons that I could have told the 7-year-old me why not to lie, and to even encourage my friends on a different path. But that is past now... there are so many things I wish I could change.

But then, I swung too far in the other direction. If it was "dating" then it was wrong and if it was "courting" then it was right! And I had two very specific ideas of how courtship and dating would be (even though I have never experienced either one) and I don't know what I would have called some relationships, because hardly any fit into my tight little molds.

Finally, I am arriving at what I hope is a correct perspective. I believe that whether you are courting or dating, there are three important points of distinction.

If:
1. You are heading towards marriage
2. You are careful not to emotionally wound the other person (if at all possible)
3. You keep God at the center of your life and relationship

.... then you are courting, no matter what you call it.

If you're just in a relationship for temporary fun and are ready to "dump" the other person as soon as you're tired of them (a week or 3 years later) then frankly, I don't know how you can have God at the center of your life and relationship... but even if you do, what you're doing is dating.

It's interesting to be getting to the age where people fairly close to my own age are getting married. Sarah Garner is the first in my life. (And she is a few years older than me, and someone I've always looked up to -- like when she told us to stop throwing teddy bears on top of the ceiling fan, right, Anna? =P). I think she and Michael have a great story, and it broke away the last remnants of my "this is how it has to be" mold.
It took me long enough, but now, I finally understand that everyone is different, and even if everyone in the world courted, not one of them would have the same story as someone else. I know, that should be obvious... I'm just the kind of person who misses the obvious on first glance.

So, even though I have no idea how my story will go, I have come up with what I think is my ideal... although I doubt it will actually happen that way. I really just want to be friends with him, whoever he is, first.

I'm really excited about all the stories I'll get to see with my friends' relationships in the coming years. And of course, I am eager to know what God has planned for me. I don't think my story is going to be opening up any time soon, though... I don't know if it should feel this way, but the older I get, the less ready I feel for marriage. Maybe it's like Aslan said in "Prince Caspian": "If you had felt yourself sufficient, it would have been proof that you were not." =P And in that case, I need to feel even less sufficiently ready!

~Lizzie

P. S. My thoughts came together pretty quickly! ... I'm not sure how coherent they are, though. =P

The Year I was 15 - Pictures!!

So I was gonna do a really long post on how sad it was that's I'll never be 15 again, and how I didn't really want to turn 16, and maybe a recap of how my life as a 15 year old was. But that inspiration only lasted about 5 minutes.
Then I suddenly had a much better idea! And so, I will post my favorite pictures that I took while I was 15, complete with titles/awards i.e: Happiest, cutest, best pose, coolest... etc.
I collected all my favorites, & there turned out to be 250-ish, so obviously, they're not all gonna be here. :)
Enjoy!

Happiest:

Mark & Aaron after some good defense

Prettiest:

Cherry flower

Cutest:

Aaron & Joel. Aww. :)

Randomest:

Bubba, the Italian trucker

Funniest:

A goofy group shot at Goodberrys

Coolest:

Sean playing baseball

Most Different:

A sunbow & power lines

Most Interesting:

A truck silhouetted against a sunset

Best Without People:

An orange sunset

Coolest Colors:

Bright blue & pink sunrise over the ocean

Coolest Focusing:

Wine glasses

Most Colorful:

Another run for the Hawks

Best Action Shot:

Jacob & Chris playing basketball

Best Portrait:

Joel at the beach

Best Light:

Shadow sitting in the sun

Best Pose:

Jordan & Reid after winning a close game

Most Candid:

Nathan & Jessica on the Sunfish

Most Descriptive:

A couple at the State Fair

Most Professional:

Reid playing basketball

Awesomest:

Eric playing basketball

Favorite of Me

me. :P

And 10 honorable mentions... ones I like just as much, but they just didn't get a title:

yay, there it is. I'm really thinking this should become a tradition for me... :)

Fragile dreams

All my life so far, I've looked forward to when I would finally get married and have children. It has always been my goal. Ever since I was around 10, I have planned nearly every aspect of my the life I want to have once I'm married: the kind of house I want (a cute little farm house with space for a vegetable garden and extreme amounts of flowers), the way my days will go, how many children we'll have and how we'll train our children. So far I think the only thing I left entirely up to God was the man.

It was only recently that it hit me: perhaps I am naively imagining an impossible dream. I'm just a silly girl, gazing starry-eyed into a romantic fantasy that's unmarred by reality. Eventually, my shiny, happy future will shatter like a delicate glass into 10 million pieces. The disillusionment will cast a gray hue over all my broken plans and my former hopes will be a bright mockery of the cold, hard truth.

Or maybe not. Isn't there a chance that God has planned a Godly man of character to marry me? Is it impossible for me to be a firm, but gentle, loving and disciplining mother? Am I not capable of making a lovely home for my family? Is it too much to ask that my girls have a meek and quiet spirit, with gentle feminity? That my boys be strong leaders, kind and loving to their sisters and show honesty, diligence and intelligence in everything they do? Should I not hope to one day have a joyful, loving family with obedient and thankful children, led by a hard-working spiritual man?

Could there be a lovely, simple life in my future?

~Lizzie

Healthy??

Manfred Muller, a homeopathic nutritionalist, visited our Radical Wednesday group tonight. This is the second time he's visited, and it's always very interesting. This time, he mentioned quite a bit about how cell phone, microwaves, nuclear plants and mercury are so hard to avoid and so harmful. I always thought we were pretty healthy. As I was sitting here eating my extra-large helping of dessert (that didn't get served at the meeting because it went too late) I was thinking how it's entirely organic. It has lots of sugar, but it's organic, evaporated cane juice. We use healthy toothpaste, shampoo, lotion and gum. But we can't avoid the mercury and all the other toxins in the air. And, on top of that, Mr. Muller reminded us that even organic foods can get pesticides and other harmful things from run-off, and mercury in the rain.

It seems that it's completely impossible to avoid harmful things. Sometimes it makes me want to give up entirely and just eat whatever I want. I like soft drinks (with carbonated water, high fructose corn syrup and "natural flavoring" -- which is supposedly MSG), and tons of other things that are so laden with toxic substance that you just kinda want to NEVER eat any food again. But if I'm constantly breathing mercury and many other horrible things, why shouldn't I just go into denial, eat what I want and have a pleasant short life, instead of a long, paranoid and yucky-tasting one?

What really bothers me is that if I really want to be healthy, the first thing I should probably do is stop saturating myself with chlorine for 2 - 2 1/2 hours 3 times a week. That can't be good. But I love swimming, and it's such a nice way to keep in shape.

*sigh* I was happy eating organic foods... wasn't it good enough that we hardly ever went out to eat? Now we'll probably never eat out again. I don't know if I'd even want to. The thought makes me sick. But I recovered quickly enough from the last health-oriented Wednesday meeting. Much more quickly than I should have...

~Lizzie