Deception and frustration

3 years ago it seemed harmless enough. I was a rising freshman, going into high school (which really means almost nothing when you're home-schooled) and everyone wanted to know what college I was going to go to, and what I wanted to major in. My mom had already suggested that if I went to college, maybe I could go to Meredith and live at home. So when the first well-meaning inquisitor asked where I was going to go to college, I though, "Well.... I MIGHT go to college. I guess I should say 'Meredith.'" So I did. This question was followed by "What are you going to major in?" For nearly a year I managed to hold off answering this question by just shrugging and saying, "I'm not sure." Finally, I answered the question by blurting "Music." And ever since then, that's been my story, and I've stuck with it (and been stuck TO it).

I successfully deceived everyone... including my parents and siblings. My mom was talking to my piano teacher and happened to mention my college plans... and my teacher was thrilled. For 2 years now I've been preparing to fulfill this lie. And now it's become such part of my life that I'm not sure how to get out of it. I've never wanted to go to college, I love music, but I don't want to major in it. I do have a dream, but it's one I've never felt able to share. Even now I'm scared to share it, even though I know many of my friends probably share my dream. As a matter of fact, I can probably continue writing this paragraph for hours just to postpone confessing what my dream is. I could even switch over to a paragraph whining about how my dream isn't very well accepted into our modern American culture. But I think I'm just going to say it.

I want to get married, and have at least 13 kids. Not after college, not after a career. That's it. That's all. Just a wife and mother. For some reason I'm cringing even as I type this, wondering what kind of responses I'm going to get.

Over the past 2 years of my deceiving everyone, I justified my deception by convincing myself that even if I did just want to get married and have kids, logically I should go to college anyway. I mean, lots of people don't get married. I certainly don't want to be stuck without a job if "Mr. Right" never shows up, do I? No. But do I really need to go to college? My dad has offered to help me start a home-based business, an idea that I'm really excited about. I just have to think of a good business idea (yes, I do have one in mind, and we'll see how it goes....)

So I've finally decided that I'm not going to college. So I 'fess up, and apologize for all the lying and tell everyone who asks about college what my new decision is, right? No, I'm a spineless wimp who can't even say I'm not going to college. Just today, I finally yanked up my courage and.... told my piano teacher (the one who was so thrilled to learn that I was planning on majoring in music) that "I'm not going to go to college next year...." So naturally, she asks what I'm going to do instead. "Um..... dual enrollment at Wake Tech." Liar, liar, liar!!!!! At least this time it was an idea that I THOUGHT about (but have since dismissed).

And perhaps the worst part about all this is the lie that I'm stuck in this lie. At any time, I can confess and apologize to everyone. I might disappoint some people (Sarah is sadly disappointed that I'm not moving out and going to college. She wanted to paint our room.... and I won't explain how she wanted to paint our room because I always explain it wrong. Maybe she'll explain it) but it's the truth... and maybe "the truth will set you free" works in this instance too. (Yes, I know it's out of context.) So what I've really got to do is just confess this to everyone. Anyway, it's not their life, is it? It's mine, to use as God wills. And right now, I'm just lying about it. That can't be God's will.

Oh, I'm soooo frustrated. But at least I'm no longer confused about what I want to do; just what to do about this lie. Hey, isn't there a Veggie Tales about lying? I think I remember a purple creature with blue polka dots that got bigger and bigger until Junior confessed his fib. I definitely have one HUGE fib here, and it's sitting on my shoulders...

So anyway. If any of you feel like praying for me as I untangle myself, it would be much appreciated.

~Lizzie