Life in general...

I haven't had much time for lengthy blog posts... it seems that short little things on Facebook get more response anyway. ;) But, even if it's just for myself, I like to keep some track of what's going on in my life. So, on my plate for this year:

-Teaching my 12 piano students
-Taking piano and voice myself
-Theatre and broadway dance
-Swimming

Some of my goals are to continue to improve my cooking, and thriftiness. To help with my money management and budgeting, I'm paying for all of my activities, buying my dad's car from him (and he's looking for a "new" car) and paying for my own personal spending from my own earnings. If I can't pay for it, I can't afford it.

I'm still trying to go to bed earlier, and get up earlier. I've also been trying to get up early enough to have a Bible study time in the morning. Abigail wrote an inspiring post about the importance of starting the day just a few days after I'd been feeling that waiting until the evening wasn't a good idea for me, and that gave me the extra nudge I needed. I can't get up and instantly start reading though, so I give myself some time to wake up so I can devote my attention to reading and prayer.

It feels weird being in something of an in-between phase; since I've graduated from high school, but am not planning on going to college. I am apprenticing with my piano teacher, learning as much as I can about teaching, and teaching my own students, focusing on some home-making skills for the future if I get married and continuing my interest in theatre arts, plus widening my musical attempts into voice. And I'm even trying to include some higher level "school" type study in. I'm excited, but also a little intimidated, since this is the first time in my life that I haven't had an "end" in sight: like the end of high school. There is no longer any sort of time-line that I can see. Suddenly, life feels bigger and more adventuresome.

~Lizzie

This too, shall pass...

So far this year that has been coming up a lot in my thoughts. As my senior year, and the senior year of many of my friends, I've been realizing that a lot of changes are coming. It's a feeling of dread and premonition, but also of excitement and mystery. It's sad, because I can never go back, but also happy, because I am moving forward into the future with hopeful prospects.

I've been trying to enjoy every "last" moment, like my last swim meet on a team with my siblings. Actually, swimming has mostly been my only "lasts" because other than aging out, my life isn't changing much. It just feels like it is. And that's what I think has called my notice to the thought: that this moment will eventually be gone. In the day to day, something as simple as laughing with my siblings over something funny or watching a beautiful sunset while taking a family stroll down our dirt road, I'll suddenly be struck with the thought that life will not always be like this. We're growing up, getting older and changing. Eventually, we will move out, get married, have kids ourselves and eventually die. And that, for us as Christians, is only the beginning, so I won't get all depressing here.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that this year has taught me to enjoy every second to the fullest. This moment will never be here again. If you knew that you had one chance to try the most decadent and delicious dessert ever; that you would get only one bite, and you'd have to live with that taste of it as your only experience of that dessert for the rest of your life, imagine how you would savor it. Now imagine every moment of your life is a new and delicious dessert, and you only get one taste. Enjoy.

My View of Adulthood

As a child, I thought there were three kinds of adults. The bad kind (the sort of bad grown-ups that went to prison for stealing and stuff like that), the good kind (like the Wal-Mart sticker greeters and other adults that I didn't know) and the really good kind (like my parents and their friends). I knew without a shadow of a doubt that the really good kind of adult never did wrong. If they were angry it was justly over someone else's wrong. They were completely selfless, always knew the right answer and never failed to punish me when I'd done something wrong.

Imagine my shock when I grew older and realized that there were many more wrong things that could be done than the ones I knew. There were lots of things you could do even accidentally that would make other people hurt or angry with you. The subtleties of manipulation, insults and exclusion that I began to understand were mind-blowing; almost as much as the fact that "really good" adults actually committed these wrongs. Now, as a young teenager growing toward adulthood, my view of adults had changed. I was planning on becoming the "really good" kind of adult that never did anything wrong; now that kind of adult doesn't exist. Suddenly, adulthood wasn't an arrival where you instantaneously become the kind of adult you were raised to be, but merely an extension of childhood where you are bigger and more grown-up, but still struggle with doing wrong. Eventually, you are no longer under your parents authority and are responsible for making yourself do right... and if you should happen to do something really wrong, then the police would put you in jail.

Even at 19, some of my childhood ideals are still being crushed by the pettiness of most of the adults in this world; yes, even the ones that my childhood self would have considered "really good." But all this only serves to remind me that God is the fulfillment of all my ideals of the perfect "adult." In childhood, your parent serves as the "all-knowing" governing authority; in adulthood, God is the one who reminds you to apologize for your wrongs, and loves you as His child, even through all your disobedience and childish tantrums.

Thoughts on Forgiveness

As a child, I was compelled by my parents to ask forgiveness for offenses committed against my siblings. I was very rebellious, and usually repeated the required phrase in as saucy and sarcastic a tone as I could get away with. The make-up hug and kiss were harder to skew, but I did my best. A sad comparison to me, all of my siblings were much better at asking forgiveness, and giving it when I was forced to ask for it. However, my parents' training paid off even on their most rebellious and defiant child, and now even I earnestly try to forgive and apologize for my own wrongs whenever the Spirit prompts me... and when I know good and well that I need to... (not that I'm perfect at that or anything...)

Recently I've been pondering how important forgiveness and humble apologies are for any relationship. Christians can get angry, say hurtful things, hold onto grudges or nurse wounded feelings just like others, but if we allow ourselves to be humbled, sincerely apologize, and forgive the other person whether or not they apologize themselves, we could easily save a badly damaged relationship. I don't know about everyone else, but when someone hurts me, it is very hard for me to forgive them before they apologize... I do, and have, and will, but when they come to me and honestly apologize, it is as if the incident had never happened, and sometimes accepted apologies and renewed forgiveness create an even stronger bond than the one that was strained by the hurt.

I used to think that this verse applied only to angelic people who were never angered, and who could keep peace before an argument even started. I wrote myself off as being incapable of being a peacemaker when I was very young. Now I think that being a peacemaker has nothing to do with whether or not you started the problem, but whether or not you are willing to do everything you can to make it right later.
"Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God." -Matthew 5:9

Thoughts like this I store up my "mental" hope chest... every time I put it into practice in my current life, I am, of course, trying to heal my relationships with my family members, but I am also storing up experience for married life. I think I have no false delusions about how very often I will need these peace-making skills...

~Lizzie

Lessons through pain

Well, as any readers who read this blog last year will remember, one of our cats got really sick with kidney failure and almost died. The doctors didn't think she'd make it through the night, so we went to see her thinking we were saying goodbye. But we prayed for her, and the next morning the doctors were amazed at how well she was doing. We took her home, and she started acting like her normal self... chasing her tail around, scratching on mirrors and generally making a sweet nuisance of herself.

But after a few months, she went back into a decline and died October 24. Not quite a year after getting out of the hospital.

It's amazing how much pain and stress it put our whole family through for the past year. Personally, it was a very hard time for me. I know she was "only" a cat, but she was definitely the sweetest one of our three (although also capable of being the most annoying...) and this was my first up-close experience of having to see an innocent creature suffering. I can't imagine how horrible it would be to be that close to a person suffering that severely (or worse).

It also put a good deal of strain on my relationship with God. I didn't and still don't understand why He "healed" her a year ago in the hospital just to let her suffer for another year and die of kidney failure anyway. Was it MY fault? Did I not have enough faith? Did we "undo" her healing by treating her with medication like the doctors told us to?

Or, the worst thought of all: did He heal her just to teach me all the hard lessons I learned this year watching her die?

Of the many lessons I've learned this year, the main two and the only ones I'm going to mention are these:
I've learned to trust God, no matter what. Even when it seems like there can be no possible good, I know that "all things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose." I don't have to understand what He's doing to trust Him.
The other thing I've learned is to tell God exactly what I'm feeling. He can handle my doubts, my fears, my pain, my tears and even my anger. And through difficult circumstances like these I can either turn my back on God, or use it to grow closer to him. And this life will seem so short compared to eternity that all the pain I feel in my entire life will seem less than the pain of stubbing a toe.

All these thoughts had been growing in the back of my mind, but the Jeremy Camp concert at the state fair was when it all came completely into focus and I had one of those mind-blowing moments of understanding. And that's when I finally let go of everything I'd been holding onto. Whatever else God may have done through one little cat for the rest of my family, I know He used the situation greatly in my heart, and I'm thankful. Even through the pain that I still feel, I can praise Him. He is good, and His mercy endures forever.

And even though she was just a cat, I believe Shadow is in heaven now, and I will get to see her again, just like all the Christian people that have and will get to heaven before me.

~Lizzie

Please don't bring your issues to my pity party...

Many times, when I am frustrated with something, I will try to comfort myself with the thought that someday, *I* will do it differently! My children will always be obedient, my kitchen always clean and organized and my household will flow like a merry fairy-tale...

Hahaha.

If I can't be patient now, having my own kids won't make it easier. Maybe my future home won't have the same irritations that I face now, but there will still be things to test my character. If I am not content now, there is no reason I will be content later. I will always be looking toward the future, waiting for that moment when every piece in my world falls into place...

And it finally sank into my head. Years of hearing that you must be content in all things, and it took 18 years for me to get it. But I think that I can truthfully say that I got it now! That does NOT mean that I am always content, but now, rather than wallowing in my pity party and wistfully dreaming of that "perfect" future, I remind myself that where I am now is a part of His plan, and I am meant to learn from my current circumstances.

And really, what do I have to not be content about? It's not as if my circumstances are very difficult! God has taken care of my family. We are all together, we have a house with running water, food to eat, clothes to wear, two cars, a grand piano and several Bibles. When I remember all that I have, and what some in this world do not have, I am ashamed that I could ever be discontent.

"Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content." Philippians 4:11

~Lizzie

Undefeated and Deep Thoughts...

Yes, our swim team is undefeated!!!! Two summers in a row, plus 4 from 2007 makes us a total of 16 meets straight undefeated. We didn't think we were going to make it against Black Horse Run this past Tuesday. We were all unbelievably tense as we waited and waited for the score... some of the Black Horse Run swimmers were already celebrating, but the score was TCC 255.5 to BHR 239.5!! Much screaming and cheering exploded from our team. It was a very close meet, and BHR has some amazing swimmers. However, the mostly-homeschooled team continues to prove that we are just as capable of swimming as "normal" people are...

And as to my "deep thoughts"... It has come to my attention that so far in my life, I have yet to meet ANYONE (and therefore, particularly no men) who completely agrees with every Biblical belief I have. Let me explain what I personally mean by Biblical.

I have many beliefs that may not be definitively laid out in the Bible, but all of my strong beliefs are grounded in my understanding of the Bible. If I didn't have a Biblical reason for some standpoint, then I hope I would be able to easily reconsider my opinion. However, the ones with Biblical reasoning are very important to me, and as they are all related to my Christian beliefs, I would never be able to give them up lightly.

This is troubling for me, mostly because I've realized how very unlikely it would be for there to be a "someone" who would agree with me. And as the woman, if I chose to follow a man that didn't hold my beliefs it would be my duty to relinquish my beliefs for his. (Of course, I am still speaking of "bigger deal" issues and not minor things... I don't intend to become a female clone of my future husband)

But that is not the final dilemma. What I am trying to figure out is if I need to have more faith in God, or if some of my opinions are too strong. What is really important enough that I would reject a godly, honorable man if he disagreed with me? Or should I be trusting God to bring me a man that believes exactly what I do?

I realize that I'm being very silly to be worrying about this already, but I figure I can't hurt anything by trying to puzzle it out and pray about it ahead of time. It would be so much more painful if I already had a suitor that didn't agree with me and I had to have this time of deliberation. Right now, while my mind is still cleared of any partiality to any man, I have time to evaluate which of my beliefs are truly grounded in conviction from God, and which may be just opinions that I have formed and glorified on my own.

It is very intriguing...

~Lizzie

My recent thoughts on courtship...

I was raised with the idea of courtship. Even when I was little, I knew that I wasn't going to have the typical "boyfriend/girlfriend" relationship. When I was about 7, two of my friends in the neighborhood had boyfriends. And I didn't know WHY it was wrong, I just knew it was wrong. (Unfortunately, though, I decided that I needed to fit in, so for about a year I had a pretend "half"-boyfriend.)

As I grew older, I read many books on the subject of courtship, and formed my own opinions of what it should be. I understand the reasons against dating, the reasons for courtship, and now have several good reasons that I could have told the 7-year-old me why not to lie, and to even encourage my friends on a different path. But that is past now... there are so many things I wish I could change.

But then, I swung too far in the other direction. If it was "dating" then it was wrong and if it was "courting" then it was right! And I had two very specific ideas of how courtship and dating would be (even though I have never experienced either one) and I don't know what I would have called some relationships, because hardly any fit into my tight little molds.

Finally, I am arriving at what I hope is a correct perspective. I believe that whether you are courting or dating, there are three important points of distinction.

If:
1. You are heading towards marriage
2. You are careful not to emotionally wound the other person (if at all possible)
3. You keep God at the center of your life and relationship

.... then you are courting, no matter what you call it.

If you're just in a relationship for temporary fun and are ready to "dump" the other person as soon as you're tired of them (a week or 3 years later) then frankly, I don't know how you can have God at the center of your life and relationship... but even if you do, what you're doing is dating.

It's interesting to be getting to the age where people fairly close to my own age are getting married. Sarah Garner is the first in my life. (And she is a few years older than me, and someone I've always looked up to -- like when she told us to stop throwing teddy bears on top of the ceiling fan, right, Anna? =P). I think she and Michael have a great story, and it broke away the last remnants of my "this is how it has to be" mold.
It took me long enough, but now, I finally understand that everyone is different, and even if everyone in the world courted, not one of them would have the same story as someone else. I know, that should be obvious... I'm just the kind of person who misses the obvious on first glance.

So, even though I have no idea how my story will go, I have come up with what I think is my ideal... although I doubt it will actually happen that way. I really just want to be friends with him, whoever he is, first.

I'm really excited about all the stories I'll get to see with my friends' relationships in the coming years. And of course, I am eager to know what God has planned for me. I don't think my story is going to be opening up any time soon, though... I don't know if it should feel this way, but the older I get, the less ready I feel for marriage. Maybe it's like Aslan said in "Prince Caspian": "If you had felt yourself sufficient, it would have been proof that you were not." =P And in that case, I need to feel even less sufficiently ready!

~Lizzie

P. S. My thoughts came together pretty quickly! ... I'm not sure how coherent they are, though. =P

In Honor of Valentine's Day: My Take on Love

I love a lot of people: God, my family, my friends, my brothers and sisters in Christ, and all the people in the world. And someday, I hope to love one special someone that God has planned for me.

So anyway, I've been thinking about WHY I love people. I came up with several side reasons, which I will share for your benefit.

I love God because He loved me enough to send His son to die for me (and also, being three-in-one), died for me, and now lives inside me.

I love my family because when you're stuck with people long enough, you eventually decide love is easiest form of coping. (Just kidding! I love you guys because of all your special traits, and because you tolerate me better than anyone else! :P Okay, I'm incapable of being serious... let's leave it at, I love you guys because I do. Don't worry, I'm getting to a point.)

I love my friends because they're my friends. (Yeah, I'm going with simplicity. Don't be offended. I command you.)

I love my brothers and sisters in Christ, not only because the Bible commands us to love one another, but because we share a common bond in our love for God.

I love the people in the world because I believe "neighbor" ("love your neighbor as yourself") means anyone living on this earth.

And it hit me, that I chose to love all those people. True, I have my reasons. I have reasons that I love my family better than the random person on the street. But it isn't an uncontrollable emotion like a puffy pink cloud that can dissipate or turn into a rain cloud. And that's the difference between the love of a Christian (who has Christ's capacity for love "He first loved us" and "while we were yet sinners, He died for us") and the love of someone who "falls" in and out of love, and might not know any kind of love except love of self and romantic "love" (if it could even be called such).

This is a new idea for me, and I'm sorry if my thoughts are confusing. I'm trying.

I think on most levels, choosing to love isn't too difficult for most Christians to accept. God commanded us to love everyone, to love our brothers and sisters in the Lord, to love and respect our parents. And you choose to love them by your actions, even when you may not feel a mushy love feeling (which is how you CAN love people all the time. Everyone knows you can't force the warm and fluffy feeling).

But, for some reason, I lose people when I talk about one day choosing to love my husband. You see, I'm not waiting to fall in love with a guy; I'm waiting until God shows me a man that is a God-fearing Christian of maturing character, that I can respect and honor, and who will love me as Christ loves the church. I don't have to fall in love with him, because once God says he's the one, I will choose to love him. I suppose this sounds very cold and unromantic to some people, but I've realized that on some level, you choose who you "fall in love" with, even if you don't realize it. Personally, I think it's more romantic to deliberately choose to love someone for the rest of your life, instead of just uncontrollably "falling" in love with someone. Love that is fallen into is shallow and easy to lose. Intentional love is serious and true, and models the love that God has for us.

Love is patient (telling your brother for the fourth time in a perfectly calm voice that his shoes are actually where they're supposed to be, which is why he can't find them under the couch)

Love is kind (doing the dishes, even though it's not your turn, because everyone else is busy)

It does not envy (even though your little sister has loads of talent in all areas and you don't)

It does not boast (even though you might have actually accomplished something noteworthy!)

It is not proud (unless you're proud of someone else. ;) )

It is not rude (even though that lady ahead of you is in the express checkout with WAY more than 10 items, and you just need to buy this container of ice cream that is freezing your hands off)

It is not self-seeking (which means that you know your friend would really like an ice cream sandwich, so you give her the last one, even though you'd been dreaming about it for the past 2 hours)

It is not easily angered (whether or not you just overheard someone tell a blatant lie about you)

It keeps no record of wrong (which means that you forgive the person who told that lie about you, and then get over it)

Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth (Okay, this is the end of the examples...)

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

(And for the record, all of my examples were fictional. Don't get any saintly or unsaintly ideas about me from them...)

By the way, I actually don't like Valentine's Day. I think (and if you haven't gotten this point yet, you need to reread my post) that you should show your love all the time, and Valentine's Day is just another day for Hallmark, candy stores, flower shops and jewelry salesmen to make more money.

Here's to real love, every day, all the time. Especially when you don't feel it.

~Lizzie

Gossip and Flirting

Some sins are obvious, and very black and white. At least in the Christian understanding. Or maybe I should just say that they've always appeared so to me. For example, I've always known that any sort of deception was a lie, and little white lies are still lies. Stealing, even if it was just an M&M from a sibling, is still stealing. And so on, and so forth. But two sins I've never quite figured out (and some might say that flirting isn't a sin anyway, but for the purposes of my discussion let's just assume it is).

I will start with gossip. Merriam-Webster dictionary defines "gossip" as:
Function: noun
2 a: rumor or report of an intimate nature

To relate sometimes questionable or secret information of a personal nature
Synonyms: blab, talk, tattle
Related Words: bandy (about), circulate, noise (about), rumor; disclose, divulge, reveal, tell; hint, imply, insinuate, intimate, let on, suggest; inform, report, snitch, squeal, tip (off); babble, spill; confide

A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret. - Proverbs 11:13

A perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends. - Proverbs 16:28

A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid a man (or woman, naturally) who talks too much. - Proverbs 20:19 (parentheses mine)

Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down. - Proverbs 26:20

My dad has told me that gossip is "saying something negative about a person for the purpose of lowering that person in other people's opinion."

The four Bible verses I have shared say that a gossip "betrays a confidence" (twice), "separates close friends" and "without gossip a quarrel dies down."

So, using all that information above, my conclusion is lengthy. Gossip is anything:
Maliciously negative
Betraying a confidence (secret)
Causing a division between friends
Fueling a quarrel
Questionable of a personal nature

You really have to use a measure of your own discretion, and in cases such as these it is certainly better to err on the side of silence.

Flirting has been more difficult for me to determine for myself, and is certainly something that is harder to conclude.

Once again, the Merriam-Webster definition:
Flirting
function: verb
2 a: to behave amorously without serious intent: to show superficial or casual interest or liking

To show a liking for someone of the opposite sex just for fun
Synonyms: dally, frivol, trifle
Related Words: josh, kid, put on, razz, rib, tease; fool, lead on, string along; play (with), toy (with)

The LORD says, "The women of Zion are haughty, walking along with outstretched necks, flirting with their eyes, tripping along with mincing steps, with ornaments jingling on their ankles." - Isaiah 3:16

My dad has told me that I should just treat guys like I would any friend, and as nothing more. But I've always wondered if teasing a guy is flirting, even if I would say the same thing to a girl? According to Merriam-Webster "tease" is a related to flirting (see above), but is that all sorts of teasing, or a particular kind? To emphasize my point, here is the definitions of "tease."

3 a: to disturb or annoy by persistent irritating or provoking especially in a petty or mischievous way
b: to annoy with petty persistent requests
c: to persuade to acquiesce especially by persistent small efforts
d: to manipulate or influence as if by teasing
e: to make fun of
5: to tantalize especially by arousing desire or curiosity often without intending to satisfy it

Number five, when arousing an impure "desire or curiosity", is obviously part of the more evil type of flirting, but what about all the others? I enjoy employing a bit of harmless and kindly-meant teasing every now and then, especially with my friends who take it well.

I guess what I've been trying to do with this post is figure out for myself what I think is wrong and right. I believe I have never said anything that could be construed as flirtatious or gossipy that I wouldn't have my parents hear, but sometimes I wonder if I merely comfort my guilt with that thought, instead of considering if my behavior really meets God's approval.

You may be wondering that I didn't come to a conclusion about flirting, and that is because I am still pondering it. But my final thought is that what mostly constitutes gossip and flirting comes from your heart, and if your heart is pure and listening to God, then pure behavior will naturally follow, even if your purity looks different from someone else's.

I'm not sure why I'm sharing all this. I guess I'm just one of those people who makes any musing or thought public in hopes that someone will offer encouraging advice, constructive criticism, or possibly, even gain some insight for themselves. If nothing else, writing it all out has certainly helped me organize my thoughts, and I would love hearing anything my readers have to say.

~Lizzie